The Truth About Microfiber Couches

The Back Story:
We had come to that exciting point in our marriage.  We had saved up some money and we were finally ready for it.  A new couch!  Time to ditch the old, uncomfortable Ikea couch from hubby’s old bachelor pad and time to get a real couch. 

The old couch in hubby's old apt./our first apt. 

We stood in the furniture store looking over every couch.  I was biased though. Only a microfiber couch for me.  “They’re perfect with kids… so easy to clean up,” I confidently told my husband.  The salesman agreed with me.  How could he not?  This was an easy sell.  Mind you, we didn’t have children but I had been a nanny for triplets and their microfiber couches were so nice and clean.  What I didn’t factor in is that those triplets were babies and unable to make much of a mess yet.

The salesman recommended the stain guard.  Of course! Even better to help with keeping the couches immaculate around our future children. 

Fast forward a couple years when I was pregnant with our twins (my first pregnancy) and I convinced hubby to buy the matching loveseat in microfiber.  I was convinced we had just made the best investment.  Of course, we paid for the stain guard treatment again.

Fast forward 2 more years and I am cursing these microfiber couches to no end!  My then 2 year old daughter Sassy even said one day, “I hate these couches!”  “Why,” I asked. “Because they so dirty!”  Hmmm… apparently  she has overheard us one too many times.

And no, it’s not that I’m a perfectionist and just think they are worse than they actually are.  We moved last year and I found out that one of the guys who helped us move went home and told his wife, “After seeing their couches we will never own microfiber couches.” How embarrassing.

A few months ago I got a picture text from my dad who was shopping for new couches.  The picture was of a pristine light colored microfiber couch.  “DO NOT BUY MICROFIBER!”was my warning text back to him.  He went with leather instead and later told me the salesman seemed confused when I steered him away from the microfiber.  Apparently the guy doesn’t own one…. Or he doesn’t have small children.

Here’s why I will NEVER buy microfiber again:

    1.)  The truth about stain guard.  The salespeople really talk up the stain guard, which is an additional cost. “If something does spill, simply wipe it off and no stain will be left behind!” But they give you a 1-800 number in case your couch does get a stain and reassure you that “they will come clean it for free!”  Um, no.  They don’t.  I called that number when my couch was looking less than glamorous.  They asked what specifically had stained the couch.  This was my answer, “Well, there’s a few things on it from the last couple months.  Water, baby spit up, and maybe some food here or there.”  They told me I am supposed to call right after something spills on the couch if I am unable to get it out.  They said the first thing they do is send you a little cleaning kit for your couch, not someone to come clean it.  The kit comes with a small spray bottle and a sponge. Then after you use the cleaning kit they may send someone out to clean it if it won’t come out.  I was so irritated that I never called back to see if someone would come clean it. 

   2.)  Water marks are the bane of my existence.  Once our couches were so disgusting looking that I was embarrassed to have anyone come over, I banned all food from the living room, including sippy cups.  I have cleaned them over and over and over again.  But I only have 2 eyes that can’t always be watching the twinnies’ every move.  They sneak their sippy cups into the room and their absolute favorite activity to do is to dump them all over the couches (I have tired a billion types of sippy cups and they still seem to get liquid out of them).  Other favorite activities include: getting baby wipes and “cleaning” the couches, licking the couches, accidentally peeing on the couches (luckily not any more) and getting paper towels or toilet paper wet in the sink and wringing them out on the couches. Every single one of these activities leaves a disgusting looking water mark on the couch.  What gives, girls? Maybe they have it out for the couches too. 

    3.)  Cleaning the couches.  Trust me, this consumes way too much time.  I mean, they are couches.  Why do they demand so much of my time?  We ditched the cleaning kit a looooong time ago and came up with our own cleaning routine, with a little help with from others on Pinterest.  First, we tried the alcohol in a spray bottle method and a scrub brush.  This works but so does vinegar and water and we usually just use that now. But, rubbing alcohol does work great for removing pen marks. Acetone works well for removing nail polish stains. When cleaning, I spray the entire cushion because this is important: if you just do a spot with your cleaning solution of choice it will leave a big water mark.  I have to spray the entire cushion, whether it is all dirty or not.  I scrub all the stains with the scrub brush.  I then get a wet washcloth and wipe the whole cushion pretty well.  Our new cleaning method of choice is to get out the carpet cleaner and use the hand piece to clean the couches.  We usually use a vinegar and water solution.  The only downside to this is that the water gets sprayed all over the cushion but it won’t suck the water back up for some reason.  I guess it soaks in too much? We then rub the couch with a dry towel to pick up some of the water.  This method is the quickest when doing the entire couch.  

   4.)  How long the cleaning lasts.  Let’s be honest.  Not long.  The other day I had just cleaned the couches and had them looking amazing and the next day my girls decided to lick the couches and that was all it took (I don’t get why they do it either but I just roll with it).  The couches are the most high maintenance thing in my house (more high maintenance than me... but I guess that isn't saying much).  And after how long it takes to clean them I just want to rip my hair out or cry when days minutes later they look awful again.  Seriously, don't blink because you'll definitely miss the clean couches. 

The finished product after washing it with the carpet cleaner.

Moral of the story is: 

If you have small children, or wild children like I do, then run away from the microfiber section of the furniture store.  Don’t let the salespeople convince you that the stain guard will make all of your dreams come true.  It won’t.  And even if you don't have children... just say no to microfiber! 

Don't say I didn't warn you.